How.to.write.. (NOT)

I read about 50 bloggers regularly and love them so much so that I emulate and even steal* ideas from them.. So when a few of them recently introduced Guest bloggers on their sites, I thought why not ask someone to write for me and my blog.. Enter Rachel Kwiatkowski.. I know I am taking a chance because of her bad girl image and also because she put a condition that I would publish her piece without scope for any editing, except for she would use “*”s wherever she thought it was not in line with my blog’s motto and agenda.. Thanks Rachel!

The Kwiatkowski Dispatch

***O***

Hello guys, this is Rachel, part Domestic goddess part Comic genius. That being said, I can also be a beatch and a c*nt in your ass if you get on my bad side – And I HONK, at least twice a day! But, turns out, I am also Heart’s confessed guilty pleasure! When I got her request to guest blog, honestly I wasn’t surprised. I figured she had to meet this fate because of her over-the-top melodramatic narrations of all things wrong about herself and the world. I even understood that in lieu of her increasing site stats but “progressively” dwindling comments, she has made this desperate attempt to unleash me onto her site. No pun. Well, Okay, pun (^_^) And no, I am not Asian :) =]

So, today I want to write about something that has been rubbing me on the wrong side. =-O (Ut-oh)?! Last month, I had called up my sister as soon as I booked my ticket to San Jose. I had made impromptu travel plans to fly to California to see her and my niece and nephew. I was looking forward to it, because it was going to be a surprise 16th for the young lady. And my sister made it clear that it meant a lot for her that I be there.

**O*-*O*-*O**

The next day in the afternoon, I receive an email from Natia, my lovely niece:

“auntie,

Hv u visited our syt bfr?? did u get dis tkt dun..? its soooooooooo exitn dat u r comn.. oh yaa!! LOVEEE it.. shoot was sup to call u!!!!!!! tdy will call surely!
abt fotos, wow lolzzzzzz.. ken lks cute wid his :-#, doesnt he.. (Rolling ma eyes) or its atlst betr dan mies :P his examz r over………………………..
btw y u makin dis trip..????? lolzzzzzzzzz.. i tnk i knw.. :)))))) bwn u n me, ma bday is the reason, right?!?!?!?! cant wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get here asap..

l8r”

My first reaction, what the f*ck is this girl talking about..???? Is this some kind of a secret mission code message that fell off an alien ship and reached me by mistake.. ?? A few hours of research later and after putting a name to this screwed up language, I finally had a name for it and for myself.. It was Textese or SMS language and that I was now the Textese Hater™! At that point, I dreaded going to CA, after all, how was I to talk to them and carry on a decent conversation if they spoke to each other and me in shortcuts?? With those thoughts, I proceeded to pack for the trip and hopped onto the plane..

To my relief the visit wasn’t that bad at all.. It was not weird at all in the sense that I did not come across teenagers in the tens talking in abbreviations and confusing SMS dialects.. Apart for some indigestible grammatical horrors, the conversations were not so out of whack for me.. And the party was uneventful except for the big grin on the 16 year old – the same grin my mother would call out as the “fake” smile while clicking pictures of us as children..

**O*-*O*-*O**

After getting back; I wrote to her, trying to put some things into perspective:

JeezLoueez, where do I start Natia?! First of all Happy birthday!! smiling.. :P RoFL……:) :P :P :P hahahhaahhahhahhhahaha…………. ::DDDDDDDDDDDDD………… I want to tell you something that has been bothering me.. I was :-& (tongue tied) after seeing your email last week.. We have known you since you were a ~:0 (baby) and the email actually came as a shock to me.. IMHO, I think FaceBook has had too much of an influence on you.. Please use your cell phone that momma gave you diligently.. Know your words and spellings.. You are our O*-) (angel) and we want you to excel in your studies.. Please do this for yourself and your mother.. I am :-< (super sad) and worried that the spellings might affect you academically and hurt your score in tests.. The world of Textese is fascinating, but it has its limitations.. Don’t get carried away.. Ken will soon follow in his sister’s “word” steps and you need to provide him a great learning curve to begin with..

Luv and (((H))),
Ur %-( (confused) auntie..

**O*-*O*-*O**

I was sure that would send a great message across to her.. And so I waited patiently for my worries to be put out.. At 3am, Pacific time, almost 20 hours after I wrote to her, I get a reply which read:

“lmfao tats what i m tryin to do, luv txtin (: i am learnin and practisin evry day..
i m gld u joyed aunty! hws ur flgt???<3
glad u cud come for my b’day, was funnnnn… :)))
yaya i gt d j/k…… comon don’t wrry………… hehehe….kids kids kids ;O ;O
bwahahahaHA, i got lot’s of blups..  that’s hysterical!!!!!!!!! n doz flowern bouquet u gv me is kewl….
by d way thx for b4 comment abt spellings.. :lol:
a @-}— for you auntie…….. ttyl.. muwah………….. ;) ;) :*”

And……..

Upon reading, I proceeded to have a Person 1.0*** panic attack..

**O*-*O*-*O**

Greek and Latin @ FailBook

What is wrong with people these days?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think they need to be shaken up a little bit: This particular quote rattled me up!

Source: GenerationWhy? by Zadie Smith:

…...I’ve noticed—and been ashamed of noticing—that when a teenager is murdered, at least in Britain, her Facebook wall will often fill with messages that seem to not quite comprehend the gravity of what has occurred. You know the type of thing: “Sorry babes! Missin’ you!!! Hopin’ u iz with the Angles. I remember the jokes we used to have LOL! PEACE XXXXX”…..

Ahhh, writing this feels like having a good bowel movement..! God, I feel much better.

What’s Your Reaction? And if you want me back on Heart’s site, please let us know how you felt!

=-O “Uh-oh”;

:*) “Drunk smile”;

:-@ “Scream”;

;-) “Winking smile”;

O.o “Confused”;

@@ “Rolling your eyes”;

:-! “Foot in mouth”;

:@ “What???”;

|-O “Yawning”

***O***

Literally @ Fudge That Sugar

**O*-*O*-*O**

Author Unknown: Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

**O*-*O*-*O**

*steal: and always give them credit, to be assured a 100%

*** Person 1.0: According to The Social Network, a person who doesn’t consider himself savvy with FaceBook..
Person 2.0: According to The Social Network, a Generation FaceBook person..

Adopt-a-word @ Savethewords.org

**O*-*O*-*O**

National FaceBook Unfriend Day is coming up on the 17th of November, ’10!!!!

**O*-*O*-*O**

OMG Lingo makes it into Homework: Check out the News item on it :))

With love,
Heart ™

Humor: A Gross Domestic Product

As a self proclaimed American Pop Culture idiot, I am on a quest to find out what humor is and what constitutes rib tickling funny! So however small your contribution is, I can assure you it will make a big difference.

*Stand-up routine begins*

***O***

Sh*t, Bullsh*t, F*ck, Mother F*cker, Assh*le, B*tch, Bleep!

Well, I think that will do.. :) But, if you can think of any more words that fit into the dictionary of modern-day comedy, I would love to know.. !!

My Grandfather was/is a simpleton and he had his fun jesting about the milkman and the imaginary infidelity of his wife who gave birth his ‘own’ children. And over the years, the joke was found to be hackneyed and trite, and that gave birth to a new class of comedy called the Sitcom / Late-night / Stand-up style.

“Thank goodness Clinton is doing fine. And today his condition was upgraded from stable to horny.” –Jay Leno

Sense of Humor: Broadly divided into 3 categories:

1. Toilet Humor:

a. Grandfather’s Flatulence:

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored.

‘Oh dear,’ said the Queen, ‘How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.’

‘It’s quite understandable,’ said the archbishop, and after a moment added, ‘as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.’

b. Today’s Fart:

Our fart jokes have reached such an alarming proportion, that now, there is a website to send a fart to someone we hate or love! So heartwarming, isn’t it?! *definitely sarcastic*

2. Infidelity jokes:

a. Grandfather’s Version:

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary.

The man says softly, “Dear, there is something I must ask you.

It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away.

But, please tell me: did he have a different father?”

His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, “Yes. Yes, he did.”

The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard.

“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth.

She says, “You.”

b. Today’s Version:

At the hospital bed of his newly born baby, a man says to his wife, “Shut up you b*tch, you dirty Ho, you think you can get away with that! You Mother F*cker, you said you love me and is this what you do?? Why does this baby have dark skin and brown hair?? And if you say one more word, I will pull you down into the muck and slap you around..” *And now I would assume the audience to burst into a wild frenzy of laughter…???*

3. General Definitions:

a. Grandfather’s Funny Definition of Father:

He is a banker provided by Nature / God..

b. The Modern Standard Dictionary:

Urbandictionary.com provides these eye opening references. And while you are at it, please don’t miss the tags/categories that the definition can fall into. And again inevitably, I use a sentence that has double entendre in it.. Poignant!

Queen to lame definitions for father in just a couple of generations?! Today we live and thrive in fat and fart jokes, bladder jokes, American ‘pie’s, adult a.k.a. mature jokes..

Why does everything has to be out there, why is there no room and appreciation for subtlety..? Whether it is American or British or European or Asian, humor has changed a lot in its nuances.. And make no mistake, by subtle, I don’t mean:

“Bill Clinton‘s new memoir has already had orders for 1.5 million copies. In fact, it’s already in its third printing. The first two were stained.” —David Letterman

Why is there no humor that is smart, intelligent, and still clean.. And because you would suspect there is no funny bone in me.. I have to confess that I have not been all that clean myself!

And why am I fan of her’s.. ?? My theory is, she thinks she is funny and actually gets away with that nonsense!!

Mark Twain said “When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.” But that was in the 19th century, so is that to say, Anger is the new Funny???

***O***

*Stand-up routine ends*

You have all been very kind, thank you!! Mwah mwah..

With love,
Heart ™

**O*-*O*-*O**

Contributions from readers:

Nathan, The Extinct Existentialist and Tony: While Nathan seems to agree with the tone of the post, EE adds that he too is embarrassed by what is passed at humor these days and Tony doesn’t find ‘Fart’ humor that funny!

Amy says: We were given a language. Make it beautiful. The pendulum will surely swing. I know some pretty ‘hot’ people and not one of them resorts to this sort of language or emphasis when they are in their roles in front of people. In fact, I’ve seen some speak out against it if there is an indication that the topic is heading that direction.

Kima points out at: One of Tailor Mali’s videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKyIw9fs8T4

Timo talks about German Stand-up Comedy: We don’t have many swear words in German stand-up comedy though. And do you know why? Because it is not as strictly forbidden as in the US!
There is no beep sound (at least not after 6 pm or so), no black bars over mouths when someone swears. The result? It is uninteresting for a comedian to swear on TV here, because it is not a breach of taboo.
Comedians in general often want and try to breach taboos – so actually all those regulations have an opposite effect than intended.

Jamie observes the following about language: As far as language goes, when I see so many of our poets with potential, I’m sorry to observe a need for a dictionary and an expanded vocabulary to include useful adjectives. Such laziness is a sad thing.

Dillon introduces me to George Carlin and his 7 dirty words!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Nrp7cj_tM

Eremophila talks about humor in Australia:

http://www.convictcreations.com/culture/comedy.htm

Slamdunk the Cop gives a snapshot of his childhood: There was a very tall collegiate basketball player (he was over 7 foot tall) where I used to live. When reporters would ask about his size and his family, he would say,”well my mom is 5 foot 7 and my dad is 5 foot 9, but our mailman is 7 foot 2.”

Mr. Mojo Risin observes, “I see it this way, humor is something that make you laugh and at the same time, provides entertainment. The thing is, what’s considered funny is completely up to the individual.” And he recommends, Lewis Black, for he enjoys jokes having to do with religion, politics and any other thing that drives the world mad.

1. Lewis Black (talking about America…)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mCDZMWVWuc

2. Demetri Martin (check out his special “If I” on youtube, was quite inspiring and uplifted me even though it was stand up. )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKnzPHtf9u4

3. Bill Hicks (talking about how stupid people can get on drugs. )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vX1CvW38cHA

4. Brian Regan (UPS weighing joke. )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89frRi8GgGA

5. Christopher Titus (His special “Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding”. Opens up to the crowd about his past and how screwed up he is mentally because of it. )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP1kKcZtnkQ

**O*-*O*-*O**

Shock and Raw!

The Women and the Comedy Circus

***O***

While having a technical conversation about websites :), one of my friends who owns a website was talking about how hard she was trying to draw some attention and clicks on her website.. In the process she spoke about terms like Search Engine Optimization Techniques etc etc. which piqued my interest.. Not that I haven’t really thought of increasing my blog traffic, but, I would still consider my blog at a very burgeoning stage..!

Now, let me not digress from the question at hand.. What really sells?? I was asking myself, maybe DRAMA, maybe CRIME, maybe HUMOR??.. For me, personally it would have to be.. SHOCK HUMOR!

I wouldn’t exactly call these ladies my role models, but come on, they are each awesome in their own territory.. !! These funny women, Kathy Griffin, Wanda Skykes and Chelsea Handler have never failed to shock me and would guarantee a 100% return on my time that I spend watching them.. What exactly is that they do? To put it in Kathy Griffin’s words, they “tell d**k jokes” for a living.. ;)

Watching Wanda steal thunder during a HBO premier show back in Oct called “I’ma be me”, I had to pinch myself constantly to tell myself that I was actually listening to a woman take center stage and talk about the President of United States and his wife’s bedroom culture.. !!

And then on my return flight from India this weekend, I was watching Kathy Griffin on Bravo in a showcase of her ‘talent’, “Balls of Steel”.. She spoke and joked about Britney Spears, Oprah, Miley Cyrus and so many other celebrities.. I mean, NOTHING was off limits.. !!

Chelsea has her own late night show on E! called Chelsea Lately, and her opening gig every time I get a chance to watch it, is mind-boggling funny :)))

All in all, just listening to the three of them would make my empowered.. Strange, right? If I sound atrocious, please, please, go listen to them and then judge my mental state.. ;)
Long Live Women’s Liberation!

**O*-*O*-*O**

When I talk about the freedom of everything that women enjoy in this 21st century, a noteworthy mention would be that of a bar/dance floor that the husband’s friend’s wife recently launched in New Delhi, India called “The O Factor” For whatever she had in mind while coming up with the name, I would like not to risk knowing it.. My imagination has gotten the best of me in this situation..

Off to my next thought ……………. :)
Heart ™

A Soapy Matter..

Remote Wonderland!

***O***

My favorite pass time these days is flipping the channel to seek the ultimate drama or the comedy series on air.. Flip, flip and more flip is the order of the day er night.. :)

So, I started this ritual of getting hooked to the idiot box because of lack of any other source of entertainment in the small town that I am currently stationed at for work.

It begins with a bowl of nuts in my hand, and with a thought in my head that I would land an amusing channel and just stick with it for the rest of the evening before I hit the sack..

And No! The story almost never ends that way.. Because at the end of the 2 hour long channel surfing and frustration of not finding a decent channel to stimulate my “intelligent” brain and curiosity, I just pull up the sheets and drift into wonderland..

But the exercise hasnt been completely fruitless.. In the process I have learnt something.. That there are only a very few kind of shows on the air at any time.. Pre prime time is Reruns, Prime time is Crime or Drama(as some channels would put it.. ), late night is Comedy or Reality.. yada yada yada.. And I beg to ask a question here.. Why are all the themes catered to the “18 to 34″ age bracket.. And why do all the shows have to be rating driven by that demography of people.. ?

Unrelentless episodes of Crime solving, channels for the “International” audience, Dress for less Celebrity tips, family values of Infedility, Hatred, Greed, Horror are the norm..

So, the reason to write this piece now stemmed from what I read a couple of weeks ago on the web and how proud I felt just by looking at the header of the article let alone read it for the first time.. It was a great feeling to announce to myself that we as a family are indeed a Cable free family from the last 3 years.. and counting..
The article that gave birth to this blog piece of mine is “Why I canned the cable?”
Read it at http://finance.yahoo.com/expert/article/moneyhappy/183910

And believe me, you can survive it..!! There is so much of free time, and we have seen a significant improvement in our quality of life!!

**O*-*O*-*O**

Disclaimer: The person who has written the above article is by no means an Idiot box hater.. And occasionally catches up on some HULU upon overhearing conversations across cubes.. :))
Heart ™

Dream catcher – A daily dream story

***O***

Filter on:

The economy isn’t in the slumps anymore.. :)

Filter off:

I am penniless.. :(

Filter on:

My son eats well and poops in the diaper.. :)

Filter off:

My son spits all over me except in the bib and I can’t catch his mid-air pee in my hands :(

Filter on:

I get the best Christmas gift ever, a pair of diamond earrings :)

Filter off:

I get a Walmart-reject, an office white elephant holiday party exchange gift item won by my husband :(

Filter on:

My car runs flawlessly for a 120,000 miles and never breaks down :)

Filter off:

My car is broken into while it is parked at one of the shady downtown parking lots :(

Filter on:

My kitchen is sparkling clean the way my cleaning lady left it in the morning :)

Filter off:

I haven’t cooked yet and I am starving :(

Filter on:

My sister gets her first job :)

Filter off:

My job gets outsourced!!!!!

***O***

Heart ™